Beam Down to Middle Earth
by Galad Estel
Summary: Co-written with Mornen. This is just a funny story about what might happen if Kirk & crew from Star Trek beamed down to the Council of Elrond and got to go on the quest. Lord of the Rings/Star Trek crossover. Parody/Crackfic
1. The Beam Down

**_Disclaimer: We do not own any characters, but neither do you, so don't kill us over it!_**

**_Authors' note: This is a comedy about what would happen if the Enterprise crew somehow got mixed up with the fellowship of the ring. This is a comedy, and it is not meant to be taken seriously._**

**_(another note) This is being written by Galad Estel and Mornen. We are sisters and we like to write together!_**

_**End of notes (for now**)_

* * *

><p>It was one of those typical days on the Enterprise, you know the kind when anything could happen and nobody seems to expect it (don't ask me why)? Well, it was one of those.<p>

Chekov and Sulu were in the gym. Sulu was practicing fencing, and Chekov was watching him.

Chekov sighed. 'Sulu, seriously, what good will fencing ever do you?'

Sulu swished the sword through the air with a grin. 'You'd be surprised.'

The intercom whistled.

Sulu punched it on. 'Sulu here.'

'This is the captain speaking, Sulu, Chekov, meet us in the transporter room on the double,' Kirk snapped.

Kirk smiled. He loved bossing his crew around, throwing in unnecessary phrases like 'on the double' to make them jump and fret was great fun. Their mission was actually another boring routine once-over. Nothing special about the blasted planet.

'Yes, sir!' Sulu answered quickly. 'We'll be there.' He punched the intercom off and turned to Chekov. 'This could be important!'

'It's probably just another boring routine once-over,' Chekov mumbled.

'C'mon, Chekov, he said 'on the double', so it must be important.'

Kirk chuckled evilly to himself; there had been a delicious sense of urgency in Sulu's voice.

Spock walked in; he gave his captain a critical look. 'What is so terribly amusing, Captain?'

'Nothing, Spock.' Spock never did understand what was funny.

Spock raised an eyebrow at him. 'Of course, sir. Where is everyone else?' Spock looked about impatiently; even boring routine once-over's fascinated him.

McCoy walked in grumbling. 'Jim?'

'Yes, Bones?'

'Do I really have to beam down?'

'Yes, Bones.'

McCoy glared at the transporter pad.

Uhura sauntered in. 'Hello, everyone, who's ready for beam-down?'

Kirk looked at her skeptically. 'You weren't in the beam down list!'

'Pardon?' said Uhura, skipping onto the pad. 'Who _else_ isn't here yet?'

Kirk sighed. Today wasn't one of his good days, so he let it go.

Uhura beamed triumphantly.

Sulu rushed in followed by a trudging Chekov.

Now, why Kirk is always annoyed by Sulu (even for no good reason) is a bit below my intellectual standings, but he is. So even when Sulu dashed in, ready for action and Chekov trudged in, ready to complain, he decided to pick on Sulu.

Kirk glared at Sulu. 'There is to be no running on _my ship!_'

Sulu stopped short. 'But…'

'No "but's", Sulu. There is to be no running on this ship. _Do I make myself clear?_' Another one of Kirk's favorite unnecessary phrases.

'Yes, sir.'

'Keptin, why do we have to beam down?'

Chekov has always had a fondness for asking obvious questions.

'To study the planet, Ensign, that's why.'

'Well, that's everyone, Captain,' said Scotty. 'Can we go now?'

'Yes, fine. Let's go.' Kirk glared at Uhura, but still didn't complain.

'I was not aware that Lieutenant Uhura was on the list of personnel to transport down,' said Spock.

'A careless oversight,' said Kirk.

'On your part, Captain?'

Kirk glared at his first officer. 'No, on hers.'

'Captain, Miss Uhura is not responsible for…'

Kirk cut him off, 'Spock, we need to beam-down. Now, on the transporter pad on the double!'

Spock obliged him.

* * *

><p>Elrond sighed. Was this a council or a tell-your-best-sob-story contest? He really couldn't tell. If so Boromir and Aragorn were in the lead and Legolas was trailing just a bit behind.<p>

"Gondor has been fighting this war for years," Boromir was saying, "if it weren't for Gondor you'd all be dead. Who was it that held back Sauron while you all just stayed in your hidden kingdoms? Gondor. And who is it that is going to bear the brunt of this war against Sauron? Gondor. And…"

"Wait a minute," said Aragorn, "I've had my troubles too."

"And who are you?" Boromir asked.

"He is Aragorn son of Arathorn, heir of Isildur's heir," Elrond said dryly.

"He doesn't look much like a king," Boromir said looking hard at the weather beaten ranger.

"Well, I am not Isildur just his heir," Aragorn returned, "I've had a hard life. The journey between here and Gondor is just a small part of my wandering. I've been through fields and over mountains, swam against rough rivers, beaten back armies of orcs single handedly. It's no wonder I don't look as handsome as you."

And he wasn't done yet.

"Lonely men are we, Rangers of the wild-hunters of the enemy, which is not found in Mordor alone. Though I do have go there sometimes like just recently I had to go search for a miserable wretch called Gollum there. I finally caught him the Dead Marshes, a terrible place if you ask anyone. Anyway I then took him to Mirkwood, and he's safely secured in the wood elves dungeon."

Aragorn leaned back in chair looking like he had accomplished something.

"Alas!" cried Legolas, "Gollum has escaped."

"What?" cried Aragorn, "You mean I went through all that trouble and you let him escape?"

"You don't know what it was like guarding that thing. He howled all the time-all night and all day," the Elf shuddered.

"So you let him escape?"

"No, of course, not. Gandalf told to keep him, so we did, though we hated it. To keep from crying out all the time we would take him on walks and let him climb trees. He said he needed to feel open air, but one day he wouldn't come down. We stayed and guarded him, but then some orcs attacked us and he escaped in the confusion," Legolas finished.

"Well," Frodo began, but he was interrupted as seven strangers suddenly materialized.

"Excuse me," Elrond said, "This is suppose to be a _private _council."

"Sorry about that," Kirk apologized, "We had no idea this planet was inhabited. I'm Captain James T. Kirk, by the way, who are you?"

"I'm Elrond," said Elrond gloomily, "and this is my council."

"Oh, so what are you talking about?" Kirk said sitting down.

"Captain, what about the Prime Directive?" Spock asked.

"What Prime Directive?" Kirk yawned.

"The one that says that we aren't suppose to…" Spock began.

"Wow," McCoy interrupted, "This place is beautiful. What do you call it?"

"Imladris or Rivendell take your pick," said Elrond boredly.

"So," said Chekov, "What are we all doing here?"

"I don't what you are doing here," said Frodo, "but I came here, because they had to decide what to do with my ring."

"Shut up, Frodo!" said Gandalf.

"What ring?" Chekov asked.

"Um, nothing," Frodo mumbled.

"Now, as I was saying, this is a _private_ council," Elrond said.

"But we want to help. We like helping people," Kirk said.

"Well," said Aragorn, "We have to take this little ring across a wild land chased by all sorts of evils without much hope of success and try to throw it into a volcano in order to save the world. That's pretty much it."

"Sounds like something we do," Kirk said unimpressed.

"We don't _need_ to destroy it, we should try to…" Boromir protested.

"Shut up, Boromir!" snapped Gandalf.

"A wolcano?" said Chekov. "But why?"

"Because that is where it was made, only in Mount Doom can the ring be undone," said Elrond. "And you aren't supposed to know about any of this anyway."

"That's bloody nonsense!" said Scotty, looking at the ring. "I could blast it to nothing with my phaser in two seconds flat!"

Elrond and Spock both raised their eyebrows at the fiery, Scottish engineer. Scotty jerked out his phaser and aimed it at the ring on the table. He pushed the button, but nothing happened. Scotty played around with his weapon awhile then shrugged and his shook his head despairingly.

"What's wrong, Scotty?" Kirk asked stepping towards him.

"My phaser, it's dead, captain."

"I should have known," Kirk said, "They always seem to do that at the most inconvenient moments. Uhura, check your communicator."

"I already did, sir. It's dead too."

"Which means," said Kirk, "That we are stuck here."

"Wonderful," Elrond moaned.


	2. I will go to Mordor

"So," said Kirk, "when do we get started?"

"Captain," Spock protested, "You can't possibly mean…"

"Spock, Spock, we have saved the galaxy hundreds of times, we can destroy one little ring."

Elrond looked annoyed.

"I only wanted nine members, one for each of the Nazgul, and I wanted them selected from my private council."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," Kirk said.

Elrond looked shocked. How arrogant could this one man be? He crashed his council and was now taking it over.

"I mean," Kirk continued, "Do you think that each member of your fellowship is adequately prepared to fight a Nazgul?"

"Jim," said McCoy from just behind him, "Do you even know what these Nazgul are?"

"The Nazgul," said Erestor quickly, looking up from his how-to-be-a-good-councilor book, "are nine kings of men corrupted by Sauron who now seek the Ring."

"Do they also happen to be the black riders who have chased us since we left the Shire?" Frodo asked.

Aragorn looked exasperated.

"Yes."

"Why must this ring be destroyed?' Spock asked curiously.

"If we can destroy the Ring, we defeat Sauron, and he won't take over the world," Gandalf told him.

"But in order to do that," Boromir grumbled, "we have to pass right through his doorway and into his home. Basically we would be bringing the Ring to him, and hoping he will be stupid enough not to notice us destroy it."

"Can't we talk with Sauron?" Spock said, "Perhaps there is some peaceful way we can negotiate through this problem?"

Everyone stared at him like he was crazy. Spock looked dejected.

"I was just asking," he said and went back to studying everything.

"So these Nazgul," said Chekov, "who are looking for this ring, where are they now?"

"They got drowned in the river," Frodo said.

"Oh, good," said Sulu, "then we don't have to worry about them."

"For the time being, yes," said Gandalf gravely, "But as long as the ring exists they live. They just have to get new bodies, that's all."

"Darn," said Sulu, then always trying to be optimistic, "At least your getting a break, right?"

"There are other dangers in the wild."

Aragorn looked at Sulu, Uhura, and Spock closely.

"Where are you people from?"

"San Francisco, California."

"The United States of Africa."

"Vulcan."

"It's strange," said Aragorn, "I have traveled quite far but have never heard of any of those lands."

Kirk smiled.

"That's not surprising, now can we get back to business. It seems imperative that we destroy this ring."

"I have already been writing out a list of members," said Elrond crossly.

"Am I going?" Aragorn asked.

"Yes," said Elrond, "I put you at the top." 

Aragorn didn't know whether to look happy or sad.

"Hey!" said Frodo suddenly, "I didn't get to say my dramatic line."

"What line?" Elrond asked.

"My 'I will take the Ring to Mordor, though I do not know the way' one," Frodo complained.

"That is a ridiculous line," said Elrond, "Why in the world would we give the ring to someone who didn't even know where he was going. No, I think we should give the ring to…Glorfindel."

Glorfindel looked up from painting his nails.

"What? But I thought my role was over… I mean Arwen got the hobbits here…Legolas goes on the quest."

"Glorfindel, you are the mighty balrog slayer, surely you would not deny us your prowess on such a quest as this?"

"Um…."

"I will die before I see the Ring in the hands of an Elf!" Gimli said suddenly jumping up and glaring at Glorfindel.

"This is what I am was afraid of," Glorfindel muttered, "I can stand balrogs, but angry dwarves they scare me."

"You'd better be scared," said Gimli gleefully.

"Hey, hey," said Kirk, "What you said to Glorfindel wasn't very nice. In fact, it was down right racist."

The Elves and Dwarves who were about to leap at each other's throats, now stopped to stare at Kirk like he was utterly mad.

"I will take the Ring," Frodo said quickly, "Though I do not know the way."

But no one was paying attention.

"In the land where we come from," said Kirk, "We all live together in peace. It doesn't matter where we are from, or what race…we are all the same inside."

"Unless you're a Klingon," Chekov mumbled.

"Or a Romulan," Uhura put in.

Kirk glared at his honest crew.

"I will take the Ring!" Frodo shouted.

The eyes finally turned to him.

"What did you say?' Legolas asked.

Frodo looked relieved.

"I will take the ring to Mordor," he said with the proper reluctance, "though I do not know the way."

Gandalf gave a heavy sigh.

"I think this task was appointed for you, Frodo."

"But you won't let him go alone," said Sam jumping out from a corner, "I'm coming too, and don't argue, because I am the only one of you who really knows how to cook."

"We're coming too," Merry and Pippin chorused dashing out from behind pillars.

"And what are you good at?" Elrond asked.

"Eating," Pippin said sweetly, looking over at Sam.

"Don't say that," Merry said kicking his cousin, "or they'll never let us on the quest."

Pippin sulked.

"We are expert adventures," Merry said proudly, "and very good at picking out edible mushrooms."

"And we can sing," Pippin added.

"So can I," said Legolas.

"I can too," said Elrond, "but whether you can sing or not is not what is getting you on this quest, now as I was saying earlier I have made out a list of candidates: Aragorn, for the men. Gimli, for the dwarves, Glorfindel, no wait who scratched this out? Well, I must have I wonder why…Legolas, for the Elves, Boromir, because he's going that way anyway. That's how far I got."

"I am going," said Frodo.

"Right, that makes—five?"

"I am coming," said Sam.

"Six," said Elrond, "I wanted nine."

"I'll go," said Gandalf, "and we'll take Merry and Pippin."

"Gandalf," said Elrond, shaking his head, "are you sure about this?"

"Quite sure."

"But they are so young, and I have this awful feeling that they are going to be captured by orcs or something."

"Oh, don't worry," said the old wizard, "I'll keep an eye on them."

"Well, at least, it's nine," said Elrond putting down his pen.

Kirk sighed then a sly smile crossed his face. When the company left Rivendell, he walked over to Aragorn.

"Hey," he said in a friendly and open tone, "we happen to be going the same way, mind if we join up?"

"You'll have to ask Gandalf," Aragorn said.

Kirk turned to Gandalf, who had been standing near by.

"Well, can we?"

"What business brings you to Mordor?" Gandalf asked suspiciously.

Kirk licked his lip uncertainly, but Sulu broke in, his eyes alight with crazy delight.

"Revenge!" he cried, and whipped out the foil he had been hiding in his boot.

"Revenge?" asked Aragorn.

"Why, yes," said Sulu, "Haven't you ever heard of it? It's when someone has done something bad to you, and you get back at them."

"I know what revenge is, but tell me what wrong has Sauron done you?"

"What wrong! What wrong!" Sulu exclaimed angrily, as he tried to think of something.

"Our village was raided by orcs three years ago," said Chekov coolly, "His whole family was killed as was mine. Since then we have followed orc trails and slain all we could."

Kirk did not know if liked how convincing Chekov sounded.

"You lived in the same village?" Aragorn asked dubiously.

"Yes," Chekov answered, "at a time we did."

"So," said Boromir, "Where are your weapons?"

Kirk sighed. The only weapons they had on them were their none working phasers and Sulu' foil. After all, they were supposed to come in peace.

"We lost them," Kirk said, "When we transported here."

"How were you transported here anyway?" Aragorn asked, "You just appeared no where. You don't happen to have magic rings on you?"

"Seven magic rings?" Legolas said with a toss of his head, "Why would they have SEVEN magic rings?"

"Seven rings for the dwarf lords in their halls of stone," Frodo mumbled, "They were lost, weren't they?"

"We do NOT have magic rings," said Scotty crossly, "That was the work of my transporter beam."

"Transporta what?" asked Boromir.

"Transporter beam," said Scotty firmly, "One of the greatest inventions in the galaxy."

"And one of the scariest," McCoy added gloomily, "You get torn apart molecule by molecule then send off through space in pieces and then you get reconstructed on the planet."

The Fellowship looked at him horror.

"Isn't that rather painful?" Merry asked.

"No, no," said Kirk quickly, "you don't feel a thing."

"It's as if," said Spock putting on a philosophical air, "for a moment in time you do not exist."

Everyone stared at him, and he looked uncomfortable and went back to scanning the trees. No one knew why Spock's tricorder still worked.

"How dreadful," said Frodo.

"I know," said McCoy, "and we have to do it every time we go down to a planet or board another starship."

"Starship?" said Pippin, "What's that?"

Before Spock could warn Kirk again of the prime directive he had broken into a rant of poetry about the beauty of a ship that sailed through the stars.

'Like Eärendil's ship?" Aragorn asked excitedly.

"Sure," said Kirk with a grin.

Aragorn leaned in on Gandalf.

"Hey, do you think the Valar may have sent them?"

"More likely," Gandalf whispered back, "They are spies for the enemy."

"If they were, wouldn't they be armed and have taken IT by now?"

"Good point, they are too stupid to be servants of the enemy—they must have been sent by the Valar!"

"We weren't sent by the Valar," Spock whispered to Kirk, "We were sent by the Federation."

"Spock, Spock, we can't tell them about the Federation, don't you remember the Prime Directive?"

Spock opened his mouth to protest, but Kirk placed his hand on his mouth and whispered low into his ear: "If they think we were sent by the Valar, then we were sent by the Valar."

"Jim, that doesn't make sense," Spock protested, "just because they think something is true, it doesn't make it true. That is illogical."

"Spock, this is a primitive land logic doesn't apply here," Kirk replied patting Spock on the back.

"What do you know about our Valar?" asked Aragorn, hearing the word Valar but not catching the rest of the conversation. Legolas probably could have heard it but he was too busy chasing butterflies to pay attention.

Kirk's face paled visibly, as Spock turned to him with a raised eyebrow.

"The Walar are the powers that be," Chekov said a beautiful smile crossing his face, "They are the guardians of Arda. Manwë is their king, and Warda also called Elbereth is their queen."

Legolas who had given up chasing the butterfly turned to him.

"You are pretty well learned for a mortal," he said.

"It is nothing," said Chekov with a shrug, hiding a mischievous smile.

Convinced that the Valar had sent them, the Fellowship took on the Starfleet officers.


	3. The Gates of Moria

"Captain," said Spock in a whisper as they went along, "I am rather bewildered."

Kirk turned to Spock in surprise.

"You, Spock, bewildered?" he asked.

"Yes," said Spock rather annoyed by his captain's habit of repeating back every slightly emotional thing he ever said, "I do not understand, how all of you and especially Mr. Chekov are so seemingly knowledgeable about this land and its customs, if you have never been here before."

"Spock, have you ever read _The Lord of the Rings_?"

"No, captain, I do not believe so."

"You have not read Tolkien's great classic?" Kirk asked, "Spock, I am shocked."

Spock looked rather annoyed.

"I do not see how these two subjects are related," he said putting on his best I-am-a-great-scientist voice.

"Well, you would," said Kirk patting him on the arm, 'if you had read it."

Spock hesitated. He did not like the idea that all his crewmates knew something he didn't. It wasn't fair. Of course, it was perfectly all right for him to know things that they had no clue about, but when the tables turned Spock was not pleased.

"My father did not approve of fantasy novels," Spock said dryly.

"Your father is so boring," Kirk said, "besides I would not consider Tolkien's epic to be a…"

"Be quiet!" Gandalf shouted at them, "we are trying to discuss important matters here."

"Are ya Gandalf?" Scotty asked suddenly, "I mean the real Gandalf."

Scotty had always loved the character of Gandalf, ever since he had discovered _The Hobbit_ in college. He had actually thought of him as a sort of role model.

"Yeah," said Aragorn, suddenly suspicious, "that is a good question. Is he the real Gandalf? I mean what if he were actually Saruman."

Gandalf looked very irritated. He was not risking his life on a dangerous quest in order to have his identity questioned. 'I am Gandalf,' he snapped.

'So you claim,' Aragorn retorted. 'But how can we be sure?' He leaned closer looking very suspicious and demanding.

'Because only the _real _Gandalf would know that you made passionate love to Elrond on midsummer's eve fifteen years ago."

"I did _not_ make love to Elrond," Aragorn said, blushing furiously.

"Really?" Gandalf raised his eyebrows. "From the look of things when I walked in…"

Aragorn glared at him. "I barely kissed him," he grumbled.

Gandalf did not look as if he believed him in the least. "I wouldn't call pre…"

"All right, I believe you. You're the real Gandalf. Now, please, stop," Aragorn begged.

Gandalf smiled smugly.

Legolas smirked. "You kissed Elrond?" he asked sweetly.

Aragorn whirled on him. "Yes, I was drunk, all right? I couldn't see clearly; I thought he was Arwen…"

Legolas burst out laughing.

"You mistook Lord Elrond for Lady Arwen?" Boromir asked, confused.

"Strong family resemblance," Aragorn muttered.

"Very strong," Legolas giggled.

"If you don't stop that," Aragorn threatened, "I'll tell everyone about the time I caught you throwing acorns at Lord Círdan…"

"Now, now," said Gandalf, "there is no need for us to drag up each other's most embarrassing secrets. We have more important things to discuss."

"Like what?" Pippin asked disappointed.

"Like which way we should go," Gandalf snapped back at him, "Now, there are three ways we can go: we can try climbing Caradhras, go through Moria, or go through the Gap of Rohan. Of course, we can't go through the Gap of Rohan because Saruman is guarding it, so…"

"We only have two choices," said Pippin cheerfully, trying to be helpful.

Gandalf glared at him.

"Sorry," Pippin said.

"Why did I ask to take you along again?" he asked.

Pippin shrugged.

"Ahhhhh," Gandalf said and put his hand to his forehead.

"Maybe," Aragorn joked, "you are trying to loose your reputation as being wise and boring?"

Gandalf harrumphed. "Well, now," he said, "we aren't getting anywhere fast, are we?"

"I could help," said Kirk.

"Oh?" said Gandalf gloomily, "how?"

"Well," said Kirk trying his best to look wise and Valar-sentish, "if you go up Caradhras you will find trouble, but if you go into the mines of Moria you will also find trouble."

Gandalf stared at him. "How on earth is that helpful?" he asked.

"I don't know," said Kirk, "I was only trying to tell the truth."

Spock sighed. "Maybe we should let these gentlemen decided for themselves where they are going."

"Either way they choose we are going to Moria," Kirk whispered to him.

This time Legolas was not chasing butterflies, so he heard them.

"I heard that," he said proudly.

"What?" Kirk asked quickly, looking rather alarmed.

"What you just said. That either way we went, we were going through Moria. What did you mean?"

"Well, you see," said Kirk nervously, "if we climb that mountain, when we get to the top, there will be an avalanche, and we'll have to turn back."

"Really?" said Gandalf mystified.

"Now," said Pippin, "we have only one choice."

"BE QUIET, PIPPIN!" Gandalf roared, then quickly calmed himself, "I suppose we will have to go through the mines then."

"Good," said Gimli.

"NO WAY AM I GOING TO ANY FILTHY, DIRTY, STINKING, MONSTROUS, SCARY, DARK AND MOST LIKELY EXTREMELY DANGEROUS MINES."

Everyone sighed and turned to Legolas, who was already hyperventilating at the thought.

"I am not very fond of them myself, kid," Aragorn said putting on one of his most fatherly tones and patting him on the arm.

"Kid? KID?"" Legolas exclaimed in indignation, "Do you have any idea how much older I am than you?"

Aragorn sighed, and his hand dropped to his side. "I have some idea," he mumbled.

"The mines it is then," said Gandalf, before anyone else could object.

Frodo felt terribly left out. After all, he had not been mentioned once in this chapter, and he was the main character. When he had taken the role of ring bearer, he had thought that he would somehow be important, but alas! this did not seem the case. He glared at Pippin, who though was a fool and was not even suppose to be on this quest had been mentioned FIVE times already, six if you counted the glaring. Frodo felt pretty awful. He trudged along near Sam and thought about how miserable his life was.

They went along in this manner, until they came across a door carved in the side of the mountain that was made visible by the moonlight shining on it.

"How fascinating," Spock exclaimed, "some kind of reflexive stone must be used in the carvings."

"Spock, Spock," said Kirk, "can't you just say its beautiful?"

But Spock had already whipped out his tricorder.

Kirk looked rather annoyed.

"How do we get inside?" Pippin asked.

"Gandalf can probably open it with magic," Frodo said quickly; glad to say his first line in this chapter.

Hours dragged by as Gandalf tried to remember the password. Everyone got very bored. Merry and Pippin had some fun hurling big rocks into the water, but then Aragorn made them stop.

"Isn't the password 'Mellon'?" McCoy asked. The doors rolled open.

"Well, I suppose it was," said Gandalf furrowing his brow, "but if you knew all this time why didn't you tell us earlier?"

McCoy hung his head and said nothing. He was glad that they had not had to climb the mountain, but he was not eager to enter the dark caves either.

"Well, come on," said Gandalf, "come in."

He started to ascend the stairs.

Suddenly and without warning, a huge tentacle seized Frodo.

"Help! Help!" screamed Frodo.

"Coming, Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam the only one not paralyzed by fear. Gandalf stood frozen on the stairs. Obviously he was not trained to deal with tentacled things, neither was Aragorn, or the warrior Boromir, nay not even Legolas the archer, or Gimli with his mighty axe, but Sam was not so picky about his job requirements. He was rather used to listening to orders, and Mr. Frodo had definitely told him to help him, so why shouldn't he? Off he darted and stabbed the strange snake arm with his dagger. The creature in the water sunk beneath it and disappeared.

Wow, what relief, thought Gandalf, but as I always say Hobbits are surprisingly surprising, whatever that means.

"Quick, everyone get inside," Gandalf shouted, and no one argued.


	4. Inside Moria Part 1

Just as soon as they got inside, the doors slammed shut behind them with a tremendous crash.

"Looks like we can't get back that way," Chekov said.

"Thanks a lot, Captain Obvious," McCoy muttered.

"Hey!" Legolas said, whirling on the his heels, "that's my title!"

Chekov raised an eyebrow. "You're going to have to fight me for it," he said. There was an evil gleam in his warm brown eyes.

Legolas turned in a slow circle.

"This place is sure dark, dank and scary," he gushed.

"Yes," Chekov countered, "it looks like a cave."

"A scary cave."

Kirk groaned.

"Can I play too?" Pippin said, "look! I think Gandalf might have used magic to light up the end of that wand. How was that?"

"Be quiet, you fool of a Took," Gandalf snapped, "be quiet all of you. We have entered the Halls of Moria."

"Moria?" Spock said, "that is an interesting name. What does it mean?"

"It means," said Gandalf, with a wrinkle of his brow, "black pit."

"There is a chasm around here somewhere, right?"

"No, Legolas," Gandalf harrumphed, "it was named that because of the particularly dark stones of the fruits found hereabouts."

"That is indeed interesting," Spock said, "Can plants here grow without light?"

"No," Gandalf grumbled, "of course, there is a chasm. What kind of dimwits am I traveling with anyway?"

Spock straightened up and looked indignant.

"I graduated near the top of my class…"

"Not _the_ top?" Kirk asked surprised.

Spock looked a little abashed.

"The combat trainer did not like me, sir, because I refused to participate in unnecessary and violent actions."

"You mean training for combat?"

"Ah…yes, captain."

"I see. And how did you ever get to be where you are in the line of command, without combat training?"

"Well, in the end, I was forced to participate, but my grades reflected his emotional displeasure with me."

"Spock, refusing to listen to an instructor does not show good character skills…"

"I was making a moral stance. I despise violence. I am a pacifist."

"I don't like violence much myself," Pippin put in, "it's all bloody and gross. We could form a committee of nonviolent Fellowship members."

"I may just take you up on that offer," Spock said, looking down at him with esteem.

"Oh," Boromir grumbled, "just what we needed more people who don't fight."

"Wait," said Aragorn looking the Enterprise crew over, "what do you have for weapons?"

"We don't," Kirk said, "we told you earlier we lost them…"

Aragorn blinked. "Then why are you here?"

"Because…" Kirk began.

"Revenge!" Sulu exclaimed, whipping out his foil again.

"…we want to help you…" Kirk glared at Sulu.

"Right..." Aragorn said, "and following us around with no means to protect yourselves helps us, how?"

"We'll distract them," Uhura said, who, for a communications officer had been very quiet up to that point, "I know some pretty interesting sounds we could make that would drive any creature insane…"

"And you haven't used these before, because…" Kirk said.

Uhura pouted. "Because, sir, you never let me go down on missions with you." 

"That's not true…I mean what about the Triskelion incident?"

"One of the rare exceptions."

"Well, what about the time, when we went to that parallel universe thingy?"

"That was a diplomatic mission…"

"Well, maybe it's because I don't want to waste a valuable communications officer like you…"

"Don't be silly," she interrupted, "I mean really if you are going to take it to that level, why is it that on almost every mission we risk the lives of the captain, the first officer, the chief medical doctor, and sometimes even our chief engineer!"

"I like gambling," Kirk said, "the higher the stakes, the better I do."

"Right…"

"Um, Miss Uhura," Chekov said, "if, um, these sounds can drive just about creature insane…what about us?"

Uhura frowned. "Unfortunately, Mr. Obvious, you have a good point."

Chekov beamed.

"Hey," Legolas said, "I'm Mr. Ob…"

"Be quiet!" Gandalf shouted, "has anyone noticed, besides me, how we have not been moving anywhere, throughout this whole ridiculously long conversation?"

Legolas nodded eagerly. "That was the point! I don't want to go deeper into the scary, dark, bad smelling, orc laden, dwarf-lived-in caves."

Gandalf sighed. "I should have known."

He took a pause to swallow down most of his anger before bursting out:

"All right, everyone, onward in silence! If one of you so much as squeaks—with no good explanation—I will throw him in the abyss!"

"How if it's a woman?" Uhura asked.

Gandalf huffed. "He or she it doesn't matter. Just keep your teeth clamped down on your lip, and you'll do fine."

"'Ike 'is," Pippin said. Gandalf turned to see that he was indeed biting his lip.

"Yes, splendid, splendid. Onward, march!"

Sulu marched forward like a band boy in a parade. Gandalf grabbed his arm. "We just walk."

"Oh," said Sulu, "thanks goodness. I was getting a little worried there."

"Ai," Scotty said, "did you take terrain with Professor Sny?"

Sulu nodded. "Yeah, that's guy was a real killer. He made us march up a mountain."

Scotty nodded and smiled. Nostalgia dripped like sweat from his forehead, or maybe he was sweating from the very memory. "Those good old academy days."

"Did he really kill anyone?" Pippin asked, who had been trying desperately to stay quiet, but it just wasn't meant to be.

"Well," Scotty said, "they did have to fly up to get one guy."

"Did they get him with an eagle?" Pippin asked, eyes wide in wonder.

"Ai," Scotty said, "a 2309 Eagle, the model was a little old, but it still worked. The school's transporter was out at the time. Poor chap, the sun burnt him up quite a bit."

"Did they go that close to the sun?" Pippin asked.

"Let, me tell you, lad," said Scotty, "the sun is not something to be messed with. That man there, my captain, he's a bloomin' lunatic made us spiral around the sun, nearly burnt our ship up more than once."

"We'll have time for stories later," said Gandalf, "but now, we must be moving on."

"You're right I suppose," Scotty mumbled, "even things in the book probably moved faster than this. You'd probably be past the entrance by now…you know I never did finish the Fellowship…"

"Finish the Fellowship?" Boromir asked, "are you, by any chance, trying to kill us?"

"No, no," Scotty said quickly, "I was talking about a book. I didn't finish a book."

"Well," said Gandalf, "that's not relevant, right now. Onward!"


	5. Inside Moria Part 2

So, the Fellowship and Kirk and Company went deeper and deeper into Moria.

"We keep on moving deeper and deeper," Legolas said.

"Yes," said Chekov, "We keep on moving deeper into Moria."

"Would you guys cut that out," Aragorn said.

"Sorry," Legolas said, "it just helps me from freaking out if I can say what is going on."

"Well," said Aragorn, "It's giving me the creeps. Gandalf, I thought we were supposed to go in here and then go out. Why do we seem to be descending?"

Gandalf stopped and scratched his beard. "Hmm, I don't recall this place at all."

"Are you trying to say we're lost?" Kirk asked.

"Well, not entirely," Gandalf said, "I have an idea where we are."

"Where then?" Kirk asked.

"We are in Moria," Gandalf said, "and pretty far in, but you're incessant chatter is putting a great strain on my head."

"We're driving him crazy," Uhura translated.

Kirk nodded. "I was brought up on Shakespeare, so I can understand what he is saying."

"Whose Shakespeare?" Gandalf asked.

"A great Terran poet and playwright," Kirk said with an over charming smile.

"Terran?" Gandalf asked scrunching up his face in confusion.

"He's really no one," McCoy said grumpily, "Don't mind the captain. He has an overactive imagination."

"Bones!" Kirk protested.

"Prime directive," McCoy said sourly, "Prime Directive."

"What's the Prime Directive?" Merry asked.

"If I told you," McCoy said, "I'd be breaking it."

"This looks like a good time for singing!" Legolas burst in. "Singing always helps everything!"

Gandalf groaned and walked on, holding his lit staff in front of him.

Legolas seemed to take this as his cue, while Sam and Pippin chimed in as backup, the Elf's beautifully melodious tones blending with the sweet, high voices of the hobbits.

"Little light on Gandalf's staff shine a little brighter

(Pippin and Sam: Shine a little brighter)

Show us you're a fighter.

(Sam and Pippin: Shine a little brighter)

Little light on Gandalf's staff shine before

(Pippin and Sam: Shine before us)

Gimli, join the chorus

(Sam, Pippin and Gimli: Shine before us.)

Little Light on Gandalf's staff—"

"Wait a minute!" Gimli roared, "You just got me to sing along to that! That's the stupidest song ever!"

"It's not stupid!" Legolas said, close to tears. "You're stupid, you stupid dwarf!"

"Stupid Elf!"

"Please," Aragorn said, "you guys need to stop fighting."

Gandalf rubbed his forehead. "Everyone just shut up…please. We are lost in one of the most dangerous places in Middle-earth—"

"We're lost!" Legolas shrieked, "In a dark, scary, foul smelling, Orc-infested, Dwarf-lived-in cave!"

He hugged Aragorn.

"It's going to be all right," Aragorn said. He nervously pulled away from and patted Legolas's shoulder.

"No need to panic," Gandalf said quickly, "I found our way again."

"You remembered?" Aragorn asked.

"No, but the air does not seem so foul down there."

They walked for a while until they came to a perfumery.

"I didn't know that _Dwarves _liked perfume," Legolas said looking at the many bottles of scent laid out on gold tables.

"Dwarf woman do," Gimli muttered.

"I thought that dwarves were all male," Legolas said.

"What gave you that idea?"

"Well, you go on and on about the first seven dwarves, and you call them the dwarf fathers. I mean I just assumed from there that you Dwarves were all men."

"That doesn't prove anything," Gimli said, "we Dwarves have the same word for father and mother."

Legolas twisted his fingers through his bright hair. "Well, I've only seen male Dwarves."

"How do you know? Male and female Dwarves look quite alike, especially when travelling."

"So, you could be a girl under those clothes?" Legolas asked curiously.

Gimli snorted. "Even if I were, I'd be more man than you. You Elves are all female from what I can see."

"I am not woman," Legolas said calmly, "I'm the _prince_ of Mirkwood."

"You look like a woman. You've got a curved in waist and braids in your hair and are those flowers on your cloak?"

"What's wrong with flowers?" Legolas asked.

"Nothing, beautiful," Gimli snorted.

A slow smile slipped across Legolas's face. "Why thanks, Gimli."

"Durin's beard," Gimli groaned, "He thinks I've complimented him."

"He's so cute," Uhura giggled. Sulu rolled his eyes.

"We're moving on," Gandalf said. They moved on.

"So," Spock said walking along side Frodo, "how did you come across the Ring?"

Frodo looked up. A whole chapter and a half had rolled by without his mention, but no finally someone was paying attention to him.

"Don't mention the Ring," Aragorn hissed angrily, "least of all in a place like this."

"I'm sorry," Spock said. He looked away.

"I'd gladly tell you about it," Frodo broke in quickly and quietly. Spock looked back with interest.

"Well," Frodo said, "You see, Bilbo, he's my second cousin found the Ring on a quest for another treasure—"

"The quest of Erebor," Gimli said excitedly, "The war against the dragon. When the dwarves reclaimed their gold! I wanted to go, but my dad said I was too young."

Frodo sighed and went on. "Well, Bilbo was captured by Goblins, but then Gandalf helped him escape—"

"I did indeed," Gandalf said, "and just in the nick of time too."

"Yes, well," Frodo said, "Bilbo fell down a hole with a wicked creature called Gollum—"

"Gollum's not wicked," a low voice hissed from the dark, "Hobbitses are wicked. Stole my precious."

"Would you guys please stop interrupting me?" Frodo asked, "Anyway, Bilbo and Gollum had a riddle competition."

"He tricked us, my precious."

Frodo chose to ignore the voice. "And Bilbo won, but Gollum would not show him the way out of the hole, even though he promised—"

"Not fair. Not fair. How should we know what he had in his pocketses."

"Whoever you are," Frodo said, "would you please stop talking like that. It's creeping me out. Anyway, Bilbo found…It…"

"The Precious!"

"…and put It on, and followed the creature out."

"Gollum is not a creature. Gollum, gollum."

"And then Bilbo brought It to the Shire," Frodo continued, "And fifty or so years later, I got it for my birthday present."

"It sounds like a rather dangerous birthday present," Spock said.

Frodo nodded. "It's a terrible burden really."

"Then why not let me carry it for you?" Kirk asked, "I'm stronger, and a more complex hero."

Frodo shook his head. "It's mine."

"No, it's mine," the voice in the dark hissed. "Ours. My precious."

"Oh, shut up," Gandalf said.


	6. Leaving Moria

"You know these dead Orcs are really convenient," Kirk said, plucking a spear from a skeleton as they continued their stroll through Moria. "We can get weapons now."

"That was a Dwarf, you dimwit!" Gimli snapped.

"Sorry," Kirk said. "They look the same to me."

"Well, they're not," Gimli grouched.

"Okay, okay," Kirk said, raising his hands in mock surrender.

The Enterprise crew fitted themselves with swords, spears, and arrows, and everyone continued on their not so merry way. Well, except Merry. Merry was almost always cheerful, which at the moment was driving at nerves.

"You know these caves wouldn't be half as bad with draperies," Merry said smiling. "I can see it, I really can. Scenes of the open country, rolling hills hoisted up on these stonewalls to let everyone inside know there is a world out there lit with sunlight. Oh, yes, I can see this place working."

"Oh, be quiet," Frodo said crossly. "You aren't even an important part of this story. Everyone overlooks you, and you have done nothing of significance."

"I got the place for Crickhollow for you," Merry protested.

"That was written out of the script," Frodo said.

"I formed a conspiracy to spy on you, and made Sam our chief gatherer of information."

"Yeah, that was also cut."

Merry looked perplexed but then smiled. "What about old Tom? I was the one who chose the shortcut that lead us to Tom."

"No one remembers Tom Bombadil," Frodo said. "And those who do think he's a waste of space."

"What about the Black Breath?" Merry said. "I introduced that element."

"Cut. Added later but never explained."

Merry frowned. "Well, isn't that dandy."

Frodo wrapped an arm around Merry's shoulder. "It's all right. It's not just you. Ever since those weirdly dressed people showed up at the Counsel, all of our roles have been slashed considerably."

"But those parts I mentioned came _before _these fine folks," Merry said.

"Yes," Frodo said. "That's true. But they're taking even more away from us. I mean I'm the ring bearer, but I have hardly got a part. It's Sulu and Chekov. Spock and Kirk. They're stealing the story."

"How rude," Pippin interjected. "We are the Fellowship. This is the Fellowship of the Ring — "

"Not anymore," Kirk said. "Now it's The Expanded Fellowship of the Ring."

"I haven't even got a line since the Counsel of Elrond," Boromir said. "I'm used to getting more attention than this. Back home I'm a hero. People depend on me to save my country."

"Where I'm from," Kirk said. "People depend on me to save my world, my galaxy, my universe!"

"It's not your universe," McCoy said.

"It's my universe because I'm in it."

"Shut up, all of you!" Gandalf said. "We're camping here tonight!"

They huddled up together in the corner being as Moria was cold, dark, and scary. Suddenly, out of the gloom, a man in a blue jacket and yellow boots appeared.

"Hello, there!" he said. "Who called me?"

"Who are you?" Kirk asked, blinking at the stranger.

"I'm Tom Bombadil! Old Tom, master of wood and water, of hello, there, Frodo! Did you call me? I came as quick as I could."

"I might have mentioned your name in passing," Frodo said, blushing hard.

"He _called_ you a waste of space," Sulu said smirking.

"What was that?" said Tom to Frodo. "After all I've done for you? Rescued you from Old Willow Man and the Barrow Weights, I'm a waste of space?"

"Well, you're a bit of a deus ex machina," Kirk said chuckling.

"Listen here, young man," Tom said, whirling to face Kirk. "I don't know you, but I won't be insulted by an arrogant brash like you."

"Your sentence was redundant," Spock said.

"What? More sass?"

"Brash and arrogant are synonyms," Spock said.

"Well, then," Tom said. "He's doubly arrogant. And so are you."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Tom," Gandalf said with a smile. "I'm glad you've come. That's record speed too."

"Yes," Tom said. "I catapulted myself out here. It was a bit bumpy but overall exhilarating. Then I saw the cave in, and I thought you might be in trouble so I convinced those tentacles in the water to clear up the rocks, and I came through."

"I'm really sorry," Frodo said. "For insulting you."

"Yes," Tom said. "It was quite out of character for you. You're usually so kind and polite."

"I think it was the Ring," Frodo whispered.

"My precious!" came a hiss from the dark. It was ignored.

"Right," Kirk said. "Blame the Ring. Blame everything on the blasted Ring!"

"If it weren't for the Ring," Frodo said, "I'd be back at home, contently sitting by my fire—''

"Getting fat," Pippin giggled.

Frodo glared at him.

"Isn't it about time," Kirk ranted on, "that you started to take responsibility for your own actions? Where's your sense of duty, of honour! Aren't you the leader of your party?

"No," Frodo said, "that would be Gandalf."

"Well, still," Kirk said. "You are an adult, aren't you?"

Kirk looked over the three and a half foot hobbit.

"Of course, I am," Frodo said indignantly. He turned to Bombadil "I am truly sorry, Tom. I was just trying to make Merry feel bad."

"Why were you trying to upset your friend?" Tom Bombadil said astonished.

"He was being annoying."

"Hey!" Merry said.

"Well, you were," Frodo said. "And I was being an attention-seeking antagonist. I'm sorry."

"Well, you're forgiven," said Tom.

"Not by me," Merry said.

"I made soup," Sam said.

That shut the other hobbits up. They sat down immediately, so that Sam could ladle out soup for them. The soup was made from water, barley and salt pork and tasted, well not very good, but it was food. The rest of the company came forward too. Sam struggled to satisfy everyone, as the company was rather large of late. Sam couldn't help but think that these strange newcomers were a rather troublesome bunch, and of course, he felt sorry for Frodo. His poor master felt ignored. That shouldn't be! Though Sam had to admit that Miss Uhura was quite lovely. She was nice to him too. She said thank-you twice for the soup (and got a double portion for it). Mr. Spock wouldn't eat, but his captain took his share.

"Now it's time for us to decide what we should do," Gandalf said, once they were done eating. "Do we continue through Moria or do we go back and try and climb Caradhras again, since Tom so amiably opened up that entrance?"

"I think we should go back," Legolas said quickly. "I don't like these caves."

"It's not a questions of liking," Gandalf said.

"I think we should go back as well," Aragorn said. "I just have this creeping, crawling sensation that something bad will happen if we continue on the path we have chosen."

"Like what?" Gandalf said.

"Like you might die," Aragorn said.

"Not this again," Gandalf huffed.

"I'm just saying."

"I'm fully capable of taking care of myself."

"I know you are, but you're looking out for us too, and—"

"What does the ring bearer have to say?" Boromir asked.

Frodo hesitated, looking from Aragorn to Gandalf to Aragorn. At the moment, Aragorn looked angrier, so Frodo said: "Back."

So, they picked up their supplies and followed Tom out of the mines of Moria. At the door, Tom waved good-bye to them.

"I have to go back and see my Goldberry," he said. 'She'll be missing me and expecting her water lilies."

With that he skipped off, finally disappearing behind the rugged hills.

"How are we ever going to cross these mountains?" Gimli said, looking up at the snowy peaks.

"We could climb," Legolas suggested. He was happy again because they were out in the open air and not in Dwarven caves and willing to try almost anything to stay out.

"You don't have to do that," Scotty said. "We can fly."

"How?" asked Kirk.

"Hot air balloon."

"What's that?" Aragorn said.

"You'll see," said Scotty with a wink. He shrugged off his shoulder bag, which he was carrying and pulled out an instant hot air balloon kit. Within an hour, he had a full-blown hot air balloon.

"Bravo, Scotty," said Kirk.

"Just doing my job," Scotty said. He was blushing and beaming.

"As engineer?" Kirk asked.

"As a miracle worker," Scotty replied.

"I don't think it looks trustworthy," Aragorn said.

"It will only be able to carry a few at a time," Scotty warned. "But believe me, it's trustworthy."

"I'd better go last," Gandalf said. "In case any of those wargs appear."

"I'll go first," Merry volunteered.

"And me," Legolas said.

"I want to go with Merry," Pippin said.

"And I'll go too," Scotty said. "Because I'm the only one who knows how to work this thing."

So, Scotty, Legolas, Merry, and Pippin floated of into the grey sky and over the mountains.

"I'm afraid of heights," Sam said on the ground. He was feeling rather ill watching the flight.

"So, am I," McCoy said. "But I trust Scotty with every bone of my body."

"I thought you were the doctor," said Sam.

"I was speaking figuratively," McCoy said with a roll of his eyes.

"Oh."

"Anyway, you can hold my hand when we go over."

"All right."

"And being a first timer, you should probably keep your eyes shut."

"You're very wise, Dr. McCoy."

McCoy smiled.

Fifteen minutes later, Scotty came back and loaded more of the company on. Soon, all but Frodo and Gandalf were on the other side. Scotty had come back, and they were about to get on when:

"It's starting to snow!" Frodo said. Indeed, it seemed the beginnings of a blizzard. The wind had picked up and was throwing snow and sleet in their faces.

Scotty looked worried. "I wouldn't trust her in this storm."

"So, we're stuck here," Frodo said.

"Looks that way," Gandalf muttered.

"If only I'd gone on earlier," Frodo said. "Merry and Pippin could have stayed behind and gone back to Rivendell. This is horrible!"

"Maybe the storm will pass?" Scotty said.

"Maybe," Frodo said, sinking to his knees dramatically.

"Don't do that," Gandalf scolded. "You're short enough already. Don't want you buried in snow."

He pulled Frodo to his feet.

A few hours later the storm had stopped and the hot air balloon had been bashed to bits.

"Now what do we do?" Frodo moaned.

Scotty opened his pack and pulled out another kit. "Hang glider."


	7. The Balrog!

_**AN: Brought back by demand...Beam Down to Middle-earth. Caution: This just continues to get sillier. Beware, silliness is often times contagious. -Galad Estel**_

Finally the full Fellowship, and its extra members, was on the other side of the mountains. Frodo had positively squealed when they had lifted into the air on the hang glider, and he was still trembling when his feet were back on the ground. Sam wrapped his arms around him.

"It's all right, Mr. Frodo," said Sam soothingly. "It's over."

Frodo clung to him and wouldn't let go for the next three hours of walking. Pippin got jealous.

"Why does Sam get to hold him?" he asked Merry. "Frodo's _our _cousin."

Merry shrugged. "I'm still not talking to Frodo, so it _really_ doesn't matter to me."

Pippin pouted. He didn't think it was fair. Frodo was supposed to be friends with him and Merry, not Sam. Sam was Frodo's gardener, for goodness's sake! But everyone acted like they were a couple or something…wait, were they? Frodo didn't seem the coupling type, never showed any interest in courting at home. Pippin looked suspiciously at Sam, who was looking rather confused but pleased by Frodo's profuse hanging on.

"Hey, Sam," Pippin said, "Your arm must be tired. Let me hold up my cousin a bit."

"I'm fine," said Sam. He shot Pippin a glare.

"No, really," said Pippin. He tugged on Frodo's arm. "I insist!"

"No, no, I can handle him!" Sam pulled Frodo back.

Though Frodo's outward expression was one of puzzlement, his inner heart was bursting. This was the sort of attention he had been hoping for. People were fighting over him!

"He's mine!" said Pippin, yanking Frodo's arm so hard that all three of them went tumbling to the ground.

"Now look what you've done!" Sam snapped. He started wiping the dirt off Frodo's breaches. "Are you all right, Mr. Frodo?"

"Yes, yes," said Frodo. "I'm fine." He smiled at Sam.

"Such foolishness!" Gandalf grumbled, looking back at them over his shoulder.

"Come along, hobbits," said Legolas cheerily. "It's a lovely day, and we're out of the mines!"

Legolas was in super-happy, Legolas mode. He was prancing about, singing silly songs and putting flowers in everyone's hair. Kirk, who still hadn't decided if Legolas was a man or a woman, did not mind the Elf's excessive attentions. Spock and Gandalf were not amused, however, and Gimli was positively livid.

"It's better to be in a pit full of Balrogs," said the Dwarf, "than stuck with an energetic Elf."

"You just made that up," said Legolas.

"Nope," said Gimli. "It's a common Dwarven proverb."

Legolas sniffed. "Well, then, no wonder your stupid race keeps dying out. You don't know how to choose good company."

Suddenly, from their side of Moria, a flame-y and shadowy head peeped out.

"What's that?" asked Frodo, pointing a shaky finger.

Legolas whirled around, screamed, and promptly fainted into Kirk's arms.

"Bones," Kirk said, "do something! I think he's hurt!"

"He's only just fainted," said Aragorn. "It's a normal reaction when confronted with a –"

Legolas's eyes opened a tiny bit. "Balrog of Morgoth," he uttered. Then his eyes closed dramatically again. Aragorn sighed. Kirk picked Legolas up. The Elf was naturally very light.

"Hey, there," said the Balrog, in a voice as deep as the chasms of the earth and as angry as a very, very, very hot fire. "You, Gandalf, I was supposed to confront you and die in majesty."

"Well, I'm sorry," said Gandalf. "But I don't really feel up to killing you today, and I really can't understand why you would want to die when the weather is so fine."

Indeed, the clouds from the blizzard had cleared, and the sun shown brightly forth.

"I hate the sun," the Balrog moaned. "It reminds me of my wretched loneliness. The agony I have felt all these years, hiding in the dark under the mountains."

"So," said Kirk, "why don't you come out?"

"I am cursed," the Balrog intoned sadly. "I was seduced by Morgoth to the dark side, I have fallen beyond redemption."

"Did he promise cookies?" Sulu asked.

"Cookies?" said the Balrog in confusion.

"Yeah," said Sulu. "You know, little cake things that are soft or crisp. You eat them with milk or tea or coffee or with other beverages…or, or alone. You eat them."

"Oh," said the Balrog, scratching his sweltering scalp. "No, he didn't promise cookies."

"Well, then," said Sulu, "you shouldn't have gone."

The Balrog blinked blazing eyes at him. He shifted then cleared his throat. "As I was saying…"

"No, really," said Sulu. "You shouldn't just push cookies aside. They're essential – "

Uhura kicked Sulu in the shin.

"What?" he said.

"Give. It. A. Rest," she hissed. Sulu was such an idiot. He was going to get himself killed.

"Cookies are –"

Uhura clamped a hand over Sulu's mouth. "Sorry, sir," she said, addressing the Balrog, "he's just a…a…"

"Genius," said Kirk, stepping in. "No one should have to live without cookies!"

The Balrog tossed his scorching mane. "If you don't all be quiet," he said. "I will make you into quite crisp cookies."

"Well, that's not very nice," said Kirk.

"Keptin," said Chekov. "Nowhere in the whole of Tolkien's work –not in _The Hobbit_, not in _The Lord of the Rings_, not in _The Adventures of Tom Bombadil_, not in _The Silmarillion_, not even in _The History of Middle-earth_ – does it mention Balrogs as being anywhere near nice."

"Nerd," Kirk mutters. Forgetting that he adored geography and had read every one of Shakespeare's plays and relished in them.

"Finally," the Balrog said, looking at Chekov with approval. "Someone who understands me. What's your name?"

"Pavel Andreievich Chekov," said Chekov.

"Well, Pavel Andre-whatever," said the Balrog. "Would you go up against me?"

"Oh, no, sir," said Chekov with a low bow. "I am afraid I must decline your high offer, for although, I have training in defense, my hand-to-hand combat is somewhat deficient, and anyways, I am but a mere mortal and a short one at that. I do not deserve such a challenge, oh, great one."

"Well," said the Balrog, "that makes quite a lot of sense. Perhaps, someone else would like to give it a try?"

"We come in peace," said Spock.

"But we'll defend ourselves if need be," said Kirk.

Legolas stirred in Kirk's arms. His eyes fluttered open, and he peered up into the face of the handsome captain. "PUT ME DOWN!"

Kirk almost dropped him. "Sorry," Kirk said. "But you had fainted."

"No, I hadn't," said Legolas.

"Yes, you had."

"No, I hadn't."

"Okay, fine," said Kirk. "Then what do you call falling back into my arms with your eyes closed?"

"Allergies," Legolas stated.

"Does anyone want to fight me?" asked the Balrog. He lazily cracked his whip.

"It doesn't look that way," Frodo said, trying to be helpful.

"Ah, so is life," said the Balrog. "I guess I have to look like the bad guy again and make the first move. Though it was you who were invading my home."

"Moria is your home, sir?" said Spock.

"Yes," said the Balrog. "It has been my abode for many a desolate year…"

"Well, it sounds like you're awfully lonely," said Frodo. "Maybe you would like to move somewhere else? We didn't mean to disturb your slumber. We were just passing through."

"Yeah," said Pippin. "We have to make it to Mount Gloom, so Frodo can throw The Thing in the fire!"

"PIPPIN!" Gandalf shouted.

"What?" Pippin said. "I was using code words."

Gandalf sighed. "They're as transparent as water! Now I have to slay the Balrog, so it won't tell its comrades anything."

"You have a motivation!" Pippin said proudly.

Gandalf groaned.

The Balrog was still puzzling over what The Thing and Mount Gloom were. He had been sleeping too long, hadn't he?

"If we are to attack," said Spock, "wouldn't it be better if more than one person was involved in taking him down."

"A logical suggestion, Mr. Spock," Kirk said, slapping him on the back.

"I should hope that all my suggestions were logically sound," said Spock. "Also, sir, I would ask you to stop hitting my back. It's affecting my nerves."

"I thought you were stoic," said Kirk. "A little tap shouldn't bother you."

"Yes, but…"

"I don't understand the problem, Spock. What's wrong with a little physical contact?" Kirk smiled at Spock, his hazel eyes glowing with mischief.

"Sir," said Uhura, "aren't we drifting a little off topic? Aren't there more pressing matters?" She jerked her head towards the Balrog.

"Of course, of course," said Kirk He turned to the Balrog. "We have come to a decision, Mr. Balrog."

"What's that?" said the Balrog, eager for things to move on.

"The wizard in the pointy hat will fight you," said Kirk.

"I have a name," Gandalf snorted. He unsheathed Glamdring and held aloft his staff. "All right, everyone, fly!"

"No, no," said Kirk. "If we do that, you'll die or something, and we won't get you back until _The Two Towers_, and Boromir will try to take The Ring from Frodo!"

Boromir side-eyed him. "Seriously," he said. "Me? Take The Ring? I swore to protect Frodo, and I aim to do so. If anyone is going to take The Ring, it will be you."

"Would people stop blurting out company secrets?" Gandalf snapped.

"I'm sorry," said the Balrog, "but now you've got me curious. What's The Ring?"

"You know Sauron?" said Pippin.

"Yep," said the Balrog. "Tall, sexy, into jewelry, Morgoth's pet. Yeah, he's pretty much everything that nauseates me."

"Really?" said Merry. His eyes were alight with a plan. "Would you like to help us defeat him?"

"Do I get to personally wallop his sorry buttocks?" asked the Balrog. He ran his whip across the ground.

"Whatever strikes your fancy," said Merry, trying not to cringe. "As long, as you aid us and give up this silly challenge."

"Done," said Balrog. He held out his hand.

"Great," Merry said. He shook the air in front of the Balrog's hand and stepped back quickly.

"Oh," said the Balrog. "One thing."

"Yes?" said Merry nervously.

"Can I try one of those cookies you were talking about?" The Balrog's eyes burnt with curiosity.

Merry laughed. "But, of course! As many as you'd desire."


End file.
